Debbie Downer?

This is definitely going to sound like quite a Debbie Downer post.  I try to keep a positive spin on things, but this is just something I need to get off my chest.  I'm a firm believer that when I write about things that are bothering me, I take some of the power away that they have over me.  If I keep it all in my head, it festers.  I can't let this happen, especially with this one.  So consider yourself warned.  This is not going to be a happy, sweet, light-hearted post. 

Last night, while snuggled up next to Hope, she started snoring.  That's nothing new, but for whatever reason, this particular snore flipped a switch in my head.  It was the sound she made on the first night after surgery when she was fighting against the vent.  She was, at that point, terrified hourly when they came in to do their neuro check.  I not only don't ever want to hear that noise again, I don't want to remember hearing it the first time.  Every time I closed my eyes last night, I saw the look on her face when she was in that terrified state.  She was in the halo, strapped to the bed, and absolutely terrified.  That's the  picture I saw with every blink.  That was the absolute worst night of my life so far, and let me be clear, there have been some other horrible nights.   Last night, after reliving that, I was a sobbing mess.  Thank God for a husband to hug and anxiety meds. 

I can't let that night consume me.  I can usually find something in any situation that is positive, but for that night, the only positive thing I see is that we survived it.  I want to forget it.  I don't want to relive it.  And, since I'm being completely honest here, I am scared to death of the idea of having to experience that, in reality (with Addie), again.  Experiencing it through memories is bad enough. 

So there you have it.  Five months later, Hope's physical healing is progressing beautifully, so that night should not be the thing that holds me captive.  I will not be defined by that one awful night.  I know that God has a plan for me, and that night was part of it.  I don't see the value of it now, but I have faith that someday I will.  Someday...

Oh, the Funny Things They Say...

These girls are nearly side-splittingly hilarious sometimes!  And they don't mean to be.  Hope, in particular, is the most quick-witted of the bunch.  She is definitely my child.  She doesn't talk much unless she has something worthwhile to say, but she can come up with zingers faster than her dad, by far!  Addie's been going to bed, then within 10 minutes of turning off the light, she says, "Darn it!  I'm parched again..."  This is obviously my cue to tell her to go get a drink.  I have to admit that the whole "parched" thing is probably more effective than just telling me she's thirsty.  It might be because I'm left in a laughing stupor because she's used the word "parched" again.  Sunday night she and Hope told me about someone at church laughing at them while they were doing "moves" by the piano.  They were waiting for me to stop talking and make my way to the piano, and they were doing "moves."  I'm still not sure what "moves" are.  I suspect they were cheerleading moves, you know, "Go God!" and all that.  They never really elaborated on that adequately, but they got quite a chuckle out of one of our church members laughing at the show.  I'm sure it probably made her day just as much as it did theirs! :) 

Today is picture day at school, so we had nearly an hour yesterday afternoon spent trying on clothes to find just the right outfit for today.  Hannah chose a brown top & khaki skirt (she dresses for comfort above all else).  Addison chose her typical black sparkly skirt and a pink/white sparkly top with a hot pink sequin vest (she's our most outrageously fashionable kid and would live in sequins if she could).  Hope chose a sparkly purple/black long shirt with black & purple-sequined leggings (she likes to wear pretty things, sometimes sparkly, sometimes not).  We also put some bling on her Aspen collar.  A girl has to accessorize, after all.  If she's going to have to wear that collar in pictures, we're going to make it pretty.  That's all.  I hope we end up with some stellar pictures! :)

Need a Sign…

Sometimes I pray for a sign guiding me to the right decision.  Sometimes I pray for multiple signs.  Sometimes I pray for large flashing signs.  I overthink things.  I know I do.  I worry too much.  I also withhold too much.  I try to work through things on my own far too often.  That’s not to say that I’m not praying like a fiend about things, but I’m not always comfortable talking about my worries.  It’s definitely something I need to improve.  But until then, I’m just going to continue praying for signs that I’m doing the right or wrong thing and try to pay attention to see those signs.  I feel like I miss the signs…just like Bruce…

Bruce Almighty–Signs from God!

Mene the Wonder Puppy

It’s official.  We’re dog owners.  We’re proud dog owners of a yellow lab who is the smartest, sweetest puppy ever!  She has has us well-trained already.  Here’s the little sugar pie…

Oh no…They know!

I’m really surprised it lasted as long as it did.  They’re smart kids, and they always, always, ALWAYS, figure things out.  This was a big one, though.  Last night I was snugged in with Hope & Addison watching the Macy’s fireworks show from NYC.  Out of the blue, Hope says, “I know Dad gave me the Easter basket, so I know that’s not real.  But are you Santa?”  She was so sincere in her question that I asked her if she really wanted to know the truth.  She did.  So I told her.  Yes, I’ve been Santa.  That led to me admitting to be the tooth fairy.  For the next 45 minutes she was asking me about all the things “Santa” had given her in years past.  She and Addie were both laughing uncontrollably with every admission of “guilt.”  They questioned me about how we got the presents under the tree so early in the morning.  “Who eats the cookies?”  “So YOU gave us those dolls?”  “YOU wrote my name so fancy on my tooth fairy envelopes?”  “YOU put stuff in our stockings?”  It was priceless to listen to them figure it all out.  At one point, Hope said, “And here I thought all these characters were giving me stuff!”  They asked what I did with the teeth.  It was nearly never-ending.  But then, the absolute best line of the entire ordeal came from Hope.  “He does NOT see me when I’m sleeping or know when I’m awake!”  My response to that?  “Well, yes SHE does, as a matter of fact!”    They haven’t asked about the birthday bird yet.  Maybe we’ll keep that little piece of childhood a little longer!

Blessings

I catch myself sometimes asking the inevitable question of trials:  “Why me?”  And to be honest, it’s not even usually a question of “Why me?” but a question of “Why them?”  What I mean is, I have a couple children who have faced a multitude of difficulties since their birth.  And one would think that eventually they would begin to sort of earn their way out of trials.  That’s what I would hope for at least.  It doesn’t seem to work that way.  They have been fighting through difficulties from the very beginning and continue to do so to this day.  But as I get wiser and stronger (which seems to have happened only because I have endured those struggles as well), I realize that we are amazingly blessed because we have been through so much, not in spite of enduring so much.  That’s kind of a big AH-HA moment, I think.  Had we not had to fight for everything we have, we would have taken these things for granted just like so many other people do.  I would not have been as excited about every little accomplishment.  I would not have seen the importance of letting go of the little things and focusing only on the big picture.  I have realized that I need to give my worries to God.  And believe me, I have.  I know the importance of having a supportive core of family and friends, and I am so fortunate to have them.  I’m also realizing that there are people who just can’t be included in my life, and that’s difficult for me to understand.  There are those who far overestimate their importance in the grand scheme of things, and I just can’t allow that toxicity in my life.  Probably the biggest and most important realization is that this is not my home.  This is preparation for my eternal life.  I think I’m going to well-prepared.

Part of the inspiration for this post was from the song “Blessings” by Laura Story.  Take a listen.  You will not be sorry.  ~ D

Blessings by Laura Story

Hmmm...

I'm having one of those moments that I almost don't want to acknowledge for fear of breaking the 'spell' that is currently in effect.  We have friends coming tonight for a cookout, and we're trying to get lots of things done today.   I've been working in the living room and kitchen, but Hope and Addie have told me they're in charge of the table.  They have it sparkling clean and just finished sweeping the kitchen floor.  It's so nice to have their help!  Hannah is working on her room...I think.  It's almost too quiet in there, like there's nothing being accomplished.  Maybe I'd better go check that out...

Shaping Up!

Since I seem to require a journey, of sorts, I'm embarking on a new one.  Well, it's not actually new, it's just revived.  And maybe it's not that I think I require a journey, but that God thinks I require a journey.  I'm just taking off on a new one before He throws another undesirable journey my way!  There have been other adventures that have had to take precedence over this one, but I think I'm finally in a place where this journey can come near the top of my list of priorities.  Curious yet?  I'm back on the get-healthy wagon.  I haven't taken care of myself in the last ?? months.  I have been consumed by things bigger than myself, so I had to take the back seat.  I wouldn't change that.  My job as a mother is to demonstrate love, and that's precisely what I have done.  Now I have to give myself that same love and care, because that's important too.  I have teamed up with two fantastic friends, and we are on a mission.  We all have different goals, but we're cheering each other on and holding each other accountable.  I need that.  I need to have someone who is willing to cheer for me when I accomplish something and kick me in the pants when I need it.  I think they can handle the job! :)  So I'm excited about getting back to it with my friends.  We might not see each other often, but we're going to share our ups and downs in the coming months.  I can't wait!

Summer!

I think it's definitely summer in Kansas.  I had hoped to have a cool summer, but I don't think that's going to happen.  Hope finally got rid of the heat rash on her back yesterday, so I'm trying to keep her cool enough so she doesn't develop another one in the near future.  The girls have been going out as soon as they get dressed in the morning to take care of Gilbert (the bunny).  This works out pretty well since he's not a big fan of the heat either.  The girls are also doing some summer homework-type activities for me.  It keeps them in the learning mood and also keeps them busy.  Addie's already got a plan to get a book about the Eiffel Tower when we go to the library tomorrow. 

Our latest news is that we'll be adding another critter to the family next month.  We will be the proud family of a yellow lab puppy that was born on May 31.  Hope wants to name it Minnie.  Her sisters want to name it Molly.  We'll see what happens...  It should be fun! 

Long Time, No Blog!

Wow!  To say a lot has happened since my last post wouldn't even begin to describe it!  But all of that has been covered on Hope's CaringBridge site.  Suffice it to say, it has been a L-O-N-G spring.  Romans 5:3-4 says, "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope."  I feel like we have all been the recipients of a healthy dose of hope.  I, personally, feel like I've made the journey through suffering, perseverance, character and hope.  I don't know how many times I have asked myself how people survive difficult situations without faith.  I could not have survived without my faith, along with an amazing group of family and friends who held me up when I couldn't face any more. 

But now we're home.  Hope is healing beautifully and has adjusted to life (at least for 6 months) in a brace.  She is a strong, confident young lady.  This summer will be different for us.  There won't be any swimming trips, and our time outside will be severely limited to cool times of the day.  Hope develops heat rash on a nearly daily basis already, so the heat of summer will not be enjoyable for her.  We'll be going back to Iowa in July for a check-up, but that's hardly vacation! 

On the plus side, we'll be home this summer and able to spend some fun times together.  The girls continue to love reading, so there will be many library trips.  Hope has also developed into quite a helper in the kitchen, so I see some great recipes in our future.  We'll have to blog those on the cooking blog! :)  I am so blessed!

Little Things

I’ve heard so many people lately complain about the little things in life.  You know the stuff, laundry, ironing, ornery kids, etc.  I’m a little bothered by that right now, because I see things very differently.  That’s probably because we have faced so much adversity with our girls.  I feel blessed that I have a family who needs me to do laundry.  Even the arguing kids, as irritating as that can be, remind me how blessed I am to have all three little arguing pipsqueaks.  And really, when I can watch them get along beautifully and walk down the road holding hands, even if that’s not always how it is, what more could I possibly want?  I will never take any of that for granted.  And for that, I am eternally grateful. 

Conversation with God

I realize it sounds bizarre, but it really just happened.  You know, sometimes God speaks loud enough (and my heart is open enough) to force me to hear him.  I was thinking (as I was gathering up the trash, but that's not really important), "I wish I could just relax."  I was considering how crummy I've felt for the last two weeks due primarily to the stress involved with the girls' current situation.  (Which, incidentally, you can follow at caringbridge.org/visit/hopevancleave).  No sooner had I thought that, than I heard, "Who says you can't?"  Talk about a kick in the pants.  It's true.  Who says I can't relax?  Who says I can't just set my eyes on the prize at the end and know that God will take care of us?  Who says I can't just give all my cares to God?  Who says my worrying will help anything?  Nobody.  Or maybe it's Satan trying to make things worse.  I don't know.  The big lesson here, though, is that I don't have to be tied up in knots all the time.  After all, Romans 8:28 says "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. "  All I need to do is face the task at hand in a Christ-like manner.  I'm feeling a little more peaceful already. 

Really?

Sometimes I just want to say to God, "Really?"  This is one of those times.  Today when we found out that Addison's x-rays had come back abnormal and indicative of the same basilar invagination that Hope has, I just wanted to question God.  I know better.  Really I do.  I know that all things work for the good of those who love him.  I know that there will be good that comes from this situation.  But right now, I'm not seeing it.  These precious angels have been so much in their short little lives, and now this?  Really?  Yes, I'm thankful that I have that stubborn streak that didn't allow me to give up finding answers.  Yes, I'm thankful that I asked if Addie was at risk due to the identical twin status.  I think I knew what the answer would be, even if it wasn't "typically" hereditary.  Ignorance was bliss for awhile.  Now reality sets in.  We are fortunate to have such amazing family & friends who I know would do anything to help.  Their love and support has already been phenomenal.  For that I am eternally grateful.  Now we have to face this head on, ask for help when we need it, and accept help when it's offered. 

"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer."  Romans 12:12  This is my constant prayer...

Thanksgiving

December 1?  Really?  When did this happen?  And how is it possible that I have not purchased more than a handful of gifts, and none of those are anything grand?  I think it's time to get my rear in gear.  So in order to avoid the ridiculous stress that this fact is going to bring, I'll just go back to Thanksgiving...

We had a great time.  Here's the spread:

We had all the typical Thanksgiving-y stuff:  turkey, ham, mashed potatoes/gravy, sweet potatoes, dressing, corn, green beans, rolls, garlic salad, etc.  The list could go on nearly forever.  And that doesn’t even include the pies.  Too bad I didn’t bother taking a picture of those.  They were really, really good.  I think I’m still attempting to work off the calories I ingested that day. 

Thursday afternoon brought a new Zoe the dog holiday experience as well.  Jonathan & I went to his house to gather up the Wii and came home to a possum in the yard.  While we were questioning whether or not it was alive, we sent Zoe to check it out.  She stood nose to nose with the stupid thing for the longest time…until it tipped over.  I’ve never seen a possum make the decision to play dead.  It was such a gentle descent.  At that point, we told Zoe to get it, and she did.  Vigorously.  She’d obviously been through the drill before, because she’d shake it, then look at us to see if she was supposed to continue or not.  Eventually we had to chase her off of it so the family hunter could “take care of” the possum.  It’s always an adventure. 

We had a warmer day on Saturday to spend some time at the creek.  There was a lot of playing for the kiddos and some wood-cutting for the men.  We had a nice fire and were exhausted by the time we got home.  It was a good kind of tired.  At this particular family fun time, Zoe dug out and devoured a nest of field mice.  It was disgusting, but kind of fun to watch.  All us girls had a great time. 

Gary, on the other hand, missed out on all this fun.  He had a “Wild Hogs” type getaway with some of his friends.  Thank goodness they didn’t come home on motorcycles and wearing black leather (although I’m still not sure that couldn’t happen next time).  He came home maybe more obnoxious than when he left.  I didn’t think that was possible. :)  I know he had a great time and is looking forward to the next trip.  I hope all the other boys did too! :)

And now I try to prepare for the endless things going on between now and Christmas.  The list begins in earnest next Thursday and continues daily for several days.  When am I ever going to start/finish my Christmas shopping??? 

CMH

I was reminded yesterday, and then told Hope the stories, of some of our previous trips to CMH.  I remember Hope's first return visit to CMH for a check-up.  Papa drove us so I could sit in the back with Hope and her oxygen tank, etc.  She did great until we hit I-35/67th Street, at which point she began screaming.  That pretty much continued until we got to the hospital.  Addie, on the other hand, took a different approach on her many follow-up visits.  She was a fantastic traveller.  It was when we exited the parking garage elevators and entered into the lobby that she began screaming.  It happened every time we got there.  I still contend it was the familiar lighting.  I know that sounds odd, but I truly believe she associated the fluorescent lights with some unpleasant baby memories.  Now, for me, I never screamed on the way there. Well, not outwardly, anyway.  I will admit, however, that yesterday brought a fresh batch of memories back, most of which aren't great.  It was when we got to WDAF at the top of the hill (if you've been there, you know exactly where I mean) that my stomach started to cramp.  Nausea hit.  I wasn't sick, just heart-sick.  No matter how many times I visit CMH, I will always be left with the scary, gut-wrenching, heart-ripping memories. 

As for Hope, she's a mystery.  The neurologist admitted yesterday that she is going to have to do some research on what could be causing Hope's shoulder/neck muscle tightness.  She'll be having an x-ray and an MRI in the upcoming weeks which will then hopefully lead us in the right direction.  Prayers are definitely appreciated. 

Eight?

It's true.  Those teeny, tiny, puny, stubborn little babies of eight years ago have officially grown up into some pretty amazing young ladies.  I don't know how it happened.  Or when.  Have I aged eight years?  I think not.  Maybe I'm just improving with age...

Anyway.  We had a fantastically full birthday weekend for the girlies.  We spent Saturday afternoon (their actual birthday) at the 810 Zone in Leawood.  Who would've guessed that these three girly-girls would choose anywhere sporty as their birthday meal?  Not me.  And no, their dad hasn't rubbed off on them that much.  (Thank goodness!)  Somehow they just fell in love with the place, so that's where we went.  We took both sets of grandparents as well.  I'm pretty sure that was a new experience for them too.  We stopped at the Cheesecake Factory on our way home for some birthday cheesecake.  Yes, you read right.  I didn't have to make birthday cakes this year.  I did a happy dance.  They ended up spending the night with Meme & Papa that night, so that wasn't all bad either.

Sunday we took off for Manhattan...Kansas.  For whatever reason, and I have no idea what it is, Manhattan has become their new favorite place to visit.  They did get to spend time with Kerri, who made them dance for their birthday presents.  I like her style.  Every kid needs to do that.  On a side note, I very vividly remember putting on the elephant trunk masks and sniffing the baseboards in the basement for a Christmas gift.  Don't remember what the gift was, though...  Guess that says something about the process being better than the end result.  But I digress...  Sunday.  Manhattan.  We took in the K-State Marching Band's concert that evening.  That, by the way, was out of this world fun!  If you ever get the chance to hear them play inside, go.  Do it.  You might come out talking a little more loudly than usual, but it'll pass.  From there we went out to supper with some friends, who were brave enough to eat with the wild things.  Once, anyway.  We may never see them again now.  We spent the night in Manhattan and allowed the girls a day off of school the following day.  I'm thinking that should get us "Parents of the Year" honors, don't you?  I spent the ENTIRE morning in the Manhattan mall with the girls.  FYI, not my idea of a fun shopping trip.  Came home after a great lunch and dropped.

It was a fun weekend, and Hope tells me she wants to spend every birthday in Manhattan.  I'm just not sure about that.  Strange, though, that we're going to be spending my birthday next month in her favorite place.  How did this happen?  I have no idea...

Before I forget…

Yeah, I know.  Two blogs in one day?  Outrageous!  I just couldn’t resist sharing these get well cards that the girls created for Papa.  Hope’s is at the top.  Her picture is sweet.  Her sisters’ card, on the other hand, is slightly more disgusting.  I think I’ll just let you figure it out.  There are really some things that do not need to be described.  You’ll have to look very closely to read the speech bubbles, but it’s totally worth the trouble.  Obviously their mama does not do these kinds of drawings…but Papa can certainly appreciate it! :)

 

October? Wow!

I’m a poor excuse for a blogger.  Please forgive me…  I’ll do better.

Now that I have that out of the way, the fun can begin.  We’ve actually had a pretty good couple of months.  Gary has been to several KSU football games.  And yes, I’m expecting an impressive birthday gift for tolerating all this single-parenting! :)  I’ve even been taken to a couple of them, so I’m not totally left out!  The girlies have started their fall piano lessons again.  Monday they played their first “recital” for their piano teacher and me on the grand piano (I was jealous – I’d love to sit at that piano and play for hours!).  They did a great job and are going to play for their class at school next week.  They’re actually pretty excited about that, so I’m thrilled!  They’re surviving school, and even enjoying it to some degree (although they’d never admit it!). 

And now, the make-you-smile moment!  Hope came home yesterday and said, “Mama, there was a huge praying mammoth on the window at school today!”  I had her repeat herself just so I knew I heard her correctly.  I did.  Made me chuckle and left me with a fantastic mental image!  She and Addie also had a conversation last night as they tried to determine whether I was a girl or a woman.  Addie says I’m a woman, but not a granny.  (Thanks for that one, Add!)  Hope says I’m still a girl.  Clearly she’s the chosen one… :)

NOT Ready!

I’d like to say that I’m excited about the school year starting.  I can’t.  I’m doing a fine job of pretending to be excited so the little ladies won’t dread it, but I am so over it.  Summer has been so much fun.  They were healthy, and that alone is worth a happy dance.  And now begins the 9 months of the year when we can’t make weekend plans because somebody is ALWAYS sick.  The receptionists at the doctor’s office honestly expect to see us weekly.  I’m not even kidding here.  When I took Hope in yesterday, there was discussion about our need to have them on speed dial or just to have a standing appointment each week.  Do you think we spend a little time there the last couple years?!  There’s been way too much money spent on doctor bills & prescriptions…  So I’m not ready for this whole (un)fun time of year to begin again. 

Today, in honor of our last day of summer, we are making a trip to the Pomona Library and meeting their teacher this evening.  But the big event will take place this afternoon.  We’re having “Brownie Wars” – totally the girls’ idea!  We watched an episode of “Cupcake Wars” recently, so we’re going to split into teams and creatively decorate a couple pans of brownies.  They’re excited about it.  It should be fun!

Little Things

I consider myself very fortunate to have figured out, relatively early in life, the importance of the (supposedly) little things of life.  Some of my best memories of childhood are those little moments that weren’t notable for any particular reason.  I remember a fishing trip with my mom’s side of the family that wasn’t eventful, I don’t think, but I can still see everyone scattered around the pond.  I remember having puzzle races with Mom in the evenings.  I remember standing (yes, standing) in the seat of the pick-up next to Dad on our way to check cows while he sang “You Are My Sunshine,” “A Bushel & a Peck,” and, his original “She’s Daddy’s Little Cowgirl” from the house to the pastures.  I remember putting rocks in my metal sand bucket (I still remember it having a picture of a boy and a girl building sand castles on it) and walking across the pasture to gather up the cows.  I had seen Dad put rocks in his bucket to get the cows to come – they thought they were cubes and would come running – and I tried it.  I remember being in the middle of the pasture, in the middle of those cows and not being even slightly afraid.  I was two. 
My point is, in the grand scheme of things, it’s not the big productions that make memories.  It’s the little stuff that happens in the day to day life that matters.  It’s laughing over an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos.  It’s playing games of Guess Who.  It’s making cookie pizzas before the first day of school.   It’s doing the right thing, whether or not anyone else is watching.  It’s being kind to others, whether or not you stand to gain something from it.  It’s the person you really are, not the person you pretend to be.  It’s the little things.