Debbie Downer?

This is definitely going to sound like quite a Debbie Downer post.  I try to keep a positive spin on things, but this is just something I need to get off my chest.  I'm a firm believer that when I write about things that are bothering me, I take some of the power away that they have over me.  If I keep it all in my head, it festers.  I can't let this happen, especially with this one.  So consider yourself warned.  This is not going to be a happy, sweet, light-hearted post. 

Last night, while snuggled up next to Hope, she started snoring.  That's nothing new, but for whatever reason, this particular snore flipped a switch in my head.  It was the sound she made on the first night after surgery when she was fighting against the vent.  She was, at that point, terrified hourly when they came in to do their neuro check.  I not only don't ever want to hear that noise again, I don't want to remember hearing it the first time.  Every time I closed my eyes last night, I saw the look on her face when she was in that terrified state.  She was in the halo, strapped to the bed, and absolutely terrified.  That's the  picture I saw with every blink.  That was the absolute worst night of my life so far, and let me be clear, there have been some other horrible nights.   Last night, after reliving that, I was a sobbing mess.  Thank God for a husband to hug and anxiety meds. 

I can't let that night consume me.  I can usually find something in any situation that is positive, but for that night, the only positive thing I see is that we survived it.  I want to forget it.  I don't want to relive it.  And, since I'm being completely honest here, I am scared to death of the idea of having to experience that, in reality (with Addie), again.  Experiencing it through memories is bad enough. 

So there you have it.  Five months later, Hope's physical healing is progressing beautifully, so that night should not be the thing that holds me captive.  I will not be defined by that one awful night.  I know that God has a plan for me, and that night was part of it.  I don't see the value of it now, but I have faith that someday I will.  Someday...

Oh, the Funny Things They Say...

These girls are nearly side-splittingly hilarious sometimes!  And they don't mean to be.  Hope, in particular, is the most quick-witted of the bunch.  She is definitely my child.  She doesn't talk much unless she has something worthwhile to say, but she can come up with zingers faster than her dad, by far!  Addie's been going to bed, then within 10 minutes of turning off the light, she says, "Darn it!  I'm parched again..."  This is obviously my cue to tell her to go get a drink.  I have to admit that the whole "parched" thing is probably more effective than just telling me she's thirsty.  It might be because I'm left in a laughing stupor because she's used the word "parched" again.  Sunday night she and Hope told me about someone at church laughing at them while they were doing "moves" by the piano.  They were waiting for me to stop talking and make my way to the piano, and they were doing "moves."  I'm still not sure what "moves" are.  I suspect they were cheerleading moves, you know, "Go God!" and all that.  They never really elaborated on that adequately, but they got quite a chuckle out of one of our church members laughing at the show.  I'm sure it probably made her day just as much as it did theirs! :) 

Today is picture day at school, so we had nearly an hour yesterday afternoon spent trying on clothes to find just the right outfit for today.  Hannah chose a brown top & khaki skirt (she dresses for comfort above all else).  Addison chose her typical black sparkly skirt and a pink/white sparkly top with a hot pink sequin vest (she's our most outrageously fashionable kid and would live in sequins if she could).  Hope chose a sparkly purple/black long shirt with black & purple-sequined leggings (she likes to wear pretty things, sometimes sparkly, sometimes not).  We also put some bling on her Aspen collar.  A girl has to accessorize, after all.  If she's going to have to wear that collar in pictures, we're going to make it pretty.  That's all.  I hope we end up with some stellar pictures! :)